FagaVault

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Sun 11 Jun 2006

The FagaVault - Episode Eleven

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New information being assimilated. Subject: Cats.

Cats enjoy balls and string, especially when combined, but not for long periods. Cats also enjoy foods that are not fruits and vegetables. Cats are not vegetarians. Cats are meatarians. Cats sleep a lot. Cats poop a lot, but not as often as they sleep. If it were not for sleeping and pooping, cats would not have a lot to do. Cats abhor a vacuum. Nature abhors a vacuum. Therefore, cats are nature.

Next study project: How all things are essentially made of sugar.

INITIATE EPISODE ELEVEN

CONTENTS:

Noah - Peaceman's Farm Noah “Peaceman’s Farm” (1972)

This song’s kinda long. Ever notice how songs are getting shorter. Three minutes is almost too much now. Songs will continually get shorter as time moves forward (excluding the years 2042-2044, when the concept album inexplicably came back into vogue), and by the year 2067, you have to abbreviate to cut down on syllables. The top hits of 2098 are “gr” and “bu.”
The Fabulous Poodles - Mirror Stars The Fabulous Poodles “Tit Photographer Blues” (1978)

I’ve always wondered what dating a porn star would be like. They do the crazy fucking all the time, so they’d probably only be into missionary. Even if you were doing some pretty kinky stuff, it would probably be because they were taking their work home with them so about as exciting as spreadsheets. Did I just make a double entendre?
Prudence Dredge - Special Shovel Prudence Dredge “Whatsa Matter” (1989)

Awwww…a baby…how cute! I wonder if it wears sunglasses and gets even cuter. Awww….
Black Grass - Black Grass Black Grass “Sweeping Through the City” (1973)

It’s no coincidence that this album sounds like going to an awesome church. The leader of the band is a Reverend! Learning the bible is nice and all, but being able to jam should be just as important in pastor school.
String Driven Thing - The Machine That Cried String Driven Thing “Heartfeeder” (1973)

I’m just like you. I used to think that “Devil Went Down to Georgia” featured the most relevant fiddle playing in music history, followed closely by Faith No More’s “Woodpecker From Mars.” Then along comes this song to blow them both away. If I was stranded on a desert island and could have only one song to listen to, I wouldn’t pick this one. It’s so good, I’d sit and listen all the time rather than worry about things like survival and getting the hell off the island.

 

Sun 4 Jun 2006

The FagaVault - Episode Ten

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I have nothing against strippers lifting weights. My problem lies in all the weight room dudes tripping over their 45 pound plates to help them and thereby talk to them. They don’t ask you for body building or drooling tips when they are spinning on their poles. When I see an accountant at a Taco Bell, I don’t get out my checkbook and beg him to balance it for free. I ask him if his tostada is good. That’s valuable information. Be smart, bring some spare bills with you when you go to the gym so you can make it clear what you are attempting.

INITIATE EPISODE TEN

CONTENTS:

The Future Sound “The Bop Step” (1992)
At some point in your scholastic career, you learn that poetry doesn’t have to rhyme. But with rap music being so prevalent, I’ve got to imagine a lot of kids in English class saying, “Dis ‘Not Waving But Drowning’ poem is aight, but it ain’t got flow like ‘Ozymandius,’ know what I’m sayin”
Bonnie Koloc - Hold On To Me Bonnie Koloc “Sweet Mama” (1972)
I used to live in a recently gentrified part of Brooklyn, and every so often I’d walk by some people and they’d say, “Man, this neighborhood ain’t hard no more.” If I had this lady with me, she’d hear that, whip out her gloc, fire a couple shots in the air, and say, “Who’s hard now, motherfuckers? Huh? Who’s hard now?”
Albert Hammond - The Free Electric Band Albert Hammond “The Day the British Army Lost the War” (1973)
It was really hard to pick the best track off this album. It was all great stuff. It was like listening to a really good Elton John record, with the main difference being that Albert Hammond isn’t a fucker.
Tim Hardin - Tim Hardin 4 Tim Hardin “Airmobile” (1968)
Airmobiles? Please, will you all get over this dream. Airmobiles suck. Your hair gets all messed up and you’re guaranteed to get a few bugs up your nose.
The Darling Buds - You've Got to Choose The Darling Buds “You’ve Got to Choose” (1989)
The singer of this group sounds cute. Some girls have the ability to sound cute, and it’s usually true. I don’t think guys have the ability to sound handsome. If they did, I would like to exploit this ability.
Nolan - No Apologies Nolan “Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum” (1970)
Whenever breakfast time comes, this little kid I know comes stomping into the kitchen like he’s a giant and says, “Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum, I smell the blood of an English Muffin!” No matter how many times I see the performance, it’s still the funniest fucking thing of all time.
Isis “Face the Bass” (1990)
Club Patron Number 1: “Yo, that song just called me a sissy!”Club Patron Number 2: “It did?”

Club Patron Number 1: “Yeah, I swear I heard…there! It did it again! I’m gonna go fuck that song up!”

Club Patron Number 2: “C’mon, be cool. Don’t do it.

Club Patron Number 1: “Fuck that! Songs can’t go around talking smack like that.”

Club Patron Number 2: “Look, I hear what you’re saying, but do you really want to face the bass?”

Club Patron Number 1: “…damn, thanks for talking me down. I almost got my ass kicked.”

Club Patron Number 2: “You’d do the same for me.”

 

Sun 28 May 2006

The FagaVault - Episode Nine

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The perils of starting a skull collection.

One time, someone sent me a lifesize plastic human skull. It looked real. I put sunglasses on it and named him Woodrow Bones. Someone saw that I loved this skull very much, so when they went on a tropical vacation, they gave me a small statue of a skeleton riding a surfboard. I named him Aloha Skelinski. Someone saw my small collection, and gave me a monkey skull replica. I named him Bananas. Now people give me skull-related items all the time, so I have this mass of skulls in one of my rooms. My main concern is that I am becoming a skull dude, and I don’t think I listen to enough death metal to qualify.

INITIATE EPISODE NINE

CONTENTS:

Brian Auger & Julie Tippetts - Encore Brian Auger & Julie Tippetts “Freedom Highway” (1978)

The biography on the back of this album notes that many consider a musical survivor one that lasts in the industry longer than it takes the average person to pay off a waterbed. Remember when everyone had a waterbed, and if you didn’t have one you were hoping to one day get one? No? It’s probably for the better. It was a period where everyone was cold and naseous.
Jesse Winchester - Nothing But a Breeze Jesse Winchester “Twigs and Seeds” (1977)

In large cities, getting weed is easy. You ask somebody for the number of their weed guy, give him (it’s always a him, by the way) a call, and within an hour you’re high. In smaller towns and suburbs things get a little trickier. Get a pizza and ask your delivery person. There’s a 35% chance that they’ll know where you can score more than pepperoni. There’s an 8% chance that they’ll sell you some right there. [train of thought continued four songs from now]
Podipto - Podipto Podipto “Mississippi Woman” (1976)

…and the award for best album/worst band name goes to…Kings of Leon! Better luck next year, Podipto.
We Are Going To Eat You - Everywhen We Are Going To Eat You “Ride Upon the Tide” (1989)

When you talk to a cake, it only hears the name of this band no matter what you’re saying.
Gary Shane and the Detour “This World” (1987)

Inside this record was a flyer for other albums on the Arf! Arf! label, including a record I used to have and sorely miss – The Space Negroes Do Generic Ethnic Muzak Versions of All Your Favorite Punk/Psychedelic Songs From the Sixties. The name of the album really does say it all. Go get it.
Big Blunts “Under Mi Sleng Teng Remiz (Muggs Old School Remix)” (1993)

Of course, if you happen to live near a band member of Big Blunts, you should go straight to them.
Tru$t - Paris By Night Live Tru$t “Paris By Night (Live)” (1989)

I’m still mad at these guys, and won’t talk to them until they apologize for what they’ve done.

 

Sun 21 May 2006

The FagaVault - Episode Eight

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INITIATE EPISODE EIGHT

DISCLAIMER: FAGATRON 2093 IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONTENTS OF THIS SHOW. ALL TRACK SELECTIONS WERE A JOINT EFFORT BETWEEN MY NEIGHBOR SHIRLEY AND BIG TEXARKANA DRILL DROID. WHEN ASKED FOR TRACK DESCRIPTIONS, THEY INVARIABLY GAVE THE RESPONSE OF “YEEHAW!” THUS, ONLY A TRACK LISTING IS GIVEN.

Kitty Wells - Country Hit Parade Kitty Wells “Whose Shoulder Will You Cry On” (1956)
Connie Francis - Country Music Connie Style Connie Francis “I’m Movin’ On” (1962)
  Hank Locklin “Foreign Car” (1962)
The Best of Porter Wagoner Porter Wagoner “What Would You Do” (1968)
  Bill Mack “Waiting For the River to Rise” (1963)
  Marty Robbins “Devil Woman” (1962)
  Le Roy Van Dyke “Sugartime” (1961)
Webb Pierce - Fallen Angel... Webb Pierce “There’s More Pretty Girls Than One” (1961)
   Rose Maddox “I Wish I Was A Single Girl Again” (1960)

Jan Howard “I’ve Got My Pride” (1963)
The Music of Spring The New Christy Minstrels “Springtime” (1964)
  Dolly Parton “It Wasn’t God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels” (1963)
  Clyde Beavers “Cryin’ For My Baby” (1961)
Clay & Vicki Campbell Show - Live
Clay & Vicki Campbell (???)

 

Sun 14 May 2006

The FagaVault - Episode Seven

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I knew a vampire once. In fact, we were roommates. He was super duper nice, and I never had to pay rent. It was a sweet setup, but I always had the feeling that deep down he didn’t like me. I think it was because I didn’t have blood he could suck out of me. But there was that one time I didn’t take off my dirty boots while laying on the couch…

INITIATE EPISODE SEVEN

CONTENTS:

Root Boy Slim & the Sex Change Band with The Rootettes Root Boy Slim & the Sex Change Band with The Rootettes “My Wig Fell Off” (1978)


It’s not easy being truly funny, but the lesson that can be learned from Root Boy is that the road to hilarity is saying whatever the fuck is on your mind. If you’ve got a song idea about boning underage girls, having a treatable skin disease, or throwing up, then go for it. Well, actually, think up something new because these guys already sang about those things.
  That Petrol Emotion “Big Decision” (1987) 

Supposedly, these guys broke up after ten years because they ran out of things to say. Smart move.
The Ramrods - Jivin' n' Twistin' The Ramrods “Fun Night” (1986) 

Did the word ramrod not have a have a homosexual connotation in 1986 or are these the coolest teen boys in all of history?
The Broadcasters - 13 Ghosts The Broadcasters “Down In the Trenches” (1987) 

Albums like this piss me off. It’s totally solid, with no song dipping below average, and it leaves you curious about the group’s other work. So you search around, and find out there are no other albums. This is it. Damn it!
Arthur Lee - Vindicator Arthur Lee “Sad Song” (1972)

Amazing. That sums up Lee’s entire career. He was in a killer band called Love, but decided he was too good for the rest of them (maybe he was right), and went solo so they wouldn’t slow him down. His solo albums can go pretty far out, like a guy flirting with madness, but if that’s not the kind of record you’re looking for then might I recommend a lite radio station?
  Apache “Apache Ain’t Shit” (1992)

So, you’re telling me that there are actually rappers out there that have skill, don’t take themselves too seriously, and go off on things other than women and material possessions? Well, this has been a lovely fanciful tale that you’ve been spinning, but I’m not buying it. What? You’re not joking with me? Alright, prove it. Okay, I will listen to this Apache album. Shit, you were right.
  Les Crane “Friends” (1971)

Do you know one of those people that’s always complaining about all their problems, most of which are self-created and/or fucking stupid? Do you not want to listen to another drawn-out tale of how awful the world is yet want to still be nice? Then give them this album. It’s one long self-help, learn to love yourself sing-a-long. Then the next time they start, you can cut them short before they get too deep into their bullshit by saying, “Uh, side one, track five. I’m out.”

 

Sun 7 May 2006

The FagaVault - Episode Six

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I only dance, dance, dance when the sun goes by. Who-oa! De-de-de-de. Who-oa! De-de-de-de. You wanna dance, dance, dance when the night is high. Who-oa! De-de-de-de. Who-oa! De-de-de-de.

 Repeat.

INITIATE EPISODE SIX

CONTENTS:

Stephen Stills - Manassas Down the Road Stephen Stills “Down the Road” (1973)
One of the guys in this band has the first name of Fuzzy. Whether that’s the name his momma gave his or a moniker of his own choosing is irrelevant. The guy’s name is Fuzzy. His last name is Samuel, which I hope people shortened to Sam. Then when you had an appointment with him, you’d be meeting Fuzzy Sam. Wow.
Susan Marshall - Don't Play Innocent With Me Susan Marshall “Perfect Love” (1986)
The front cover of this album is archeological evidence that there were cute girls in the late 1980s. You might think that the back cover, showing Susan in cowboy boots and a full bodysuit made of snakeskin might move her out of the cute category and into the scary bar skank classification, but you’d be wrong. Everyone wore snakeskin bodysuits in the ‘80s.
Dave Alvin - Romeo's Escape Dave Alvin “Romeo’s Escape” (1987)
Some albums make you feel like you’re in a dive bar that has a small stage and incredibly cheap drinks. The kind of bar that you always end the night at after you’ve been fooling around with other joints. This is one of those albums.
The Bottles - The Bottles The Bottles “I Don’t Wanna Be Your Man” (1979)
There aren’t enough glass bottles around. When’s the last time you’ve had a Coke in a glass bottle that’s sweetened with sugar and not corn syrup? You can still find them in some countries, but they’re a dying breed. After you have one, you realize that society has failed by letting this treat slip away.
Nude Ants - Access... Nude Ants “America, (We’re On Holiday)” (1983)  

Whenever I travel, I do my best to speak quietly because whenever I hear another American saying something, they’re almost always saying something dumb at an uncalled for decibel level. Pretending to be Canadian is easy, but when I get drunk I like to pretend I’m an Italian that speaks with a Jamaican accent while kissing them on the cheeks.
Jo-El Sonnier - Jo-El Jo-El Sonnier “Tear-Stained Letter” (1988) 

Superman’s dad can play accordion?
  Chris Rock “Your Mother’s Got a Big Head” (1991) 

Think being a great comedian is easy? Then listen to this proof that it takes a lot of practice and embarrassing fuck ups to reach the top.  

   

 

Tue 2 May 2006

The FagaVault - Episode Five

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This is the first podcast that is filled with material not found on the Christmas tape. What Christmas tape? Don’t worry about it. Let’s talk about something else. When I was in Japan, I took a bus tour and the tour guide told me the Japanese have three religions - Buddhism, Shinto, and once a year they all become Christians so they can get presents. This is why the Japanese rule over everything. They’re smart. Shit, we’re talking about Christmas again. Let’s talk about something else. What are you getting me for Christmas?

INITIATE EPISODE FIVE

CONTENTS:

The Essentials - The Essentials The Essentials “Last Night I Spent My Money” (1990)

First most common place for a band to get their album cover picture taken – a field. Second most common place – inside or around a car (unless you’re a rap group, then it’s car first, a dirty street that represents ‘the hood’ second). The Essentials are the car kind. Which kind are you?
Xmal Deutschland - Fetisch Xmal Deutschland “Qual” (1983)

Say what you will about Germany, but you have to respect any culture that is always doing things that makes the rest of the world let out a collective ???? Then to top it all off, when you go to Germany and ask, “Seriously, what the fuck?” The country gives you one of those looks that means you’re lame for even having to ask.
Susan Christie “I Love Onions” (1966)

It hit the charts in ‘66, and then Susan Christie was never heard from again. Where’s the follow up hit? Where’s the full-length album? Hell, I’ll even settle for an EP. Just give me more, more, more!
Julee Cruise - Floating Into the Night Julee Cruise “Rockin’ Back Inside My Heart” (1989)

This album is like being on drugs. Considering that David Lynch wrote and produced it, that shouldn’t be much of a surprise. But for real, if you listen to this album, it will put you in an altered state of consciousness. Unfortunately, the high is inconsistent. It could make you relaxed, it could make you cry, it could make you happy. It’s pretty addicting, too!
Wireless - Positively Human, Relatively Sane Wireless “What You Make It” (1979)

These are the kinds of bands we need more of now. Four dudes (though I’m not opposed to dudettes doing the same) grabbing their instruments, hitting the stage and jamming out some rock n’ roll.
White Boys - ...On A Mission White Boys “We Live To Rock” (1988)

A book could be written about how unbelievably awesome this album is. Each chapter would be about one of the songs, and would describe in detail why the song is so cheesy, stereotypical, and the antithesis of hip-hop, and how you should know better than to keep listening, but how you can’t stop yourself. You can’t hate on the White Boys because they’re the total package. They perform with total conviction and purposefully rock their mullets without giving a damn what anybody thinks. They is like…on a mission, yo!
 
 

Tue 2 May 2006

The FagaVault - Episode Four

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Hello and welcome to gay podcast number four. You are looking nice today. Did you get a haircut? Is that a new shirt? Did you lose weight? Well, you are doing something right. Keep up the good work.

INITIATE EPISODE FOUR

CONTENTS:

  Claudine Longett “I’ll Be There” (1969)
 

A French model turns singer thanks to her husband, cheesy crooner Andy Williams, and she makes better music than he ever did by consistently making cover tunes that defy haters nationwide. If you’ve seen a retro 60’s movie then you’ve heard Claudine. All her work is recommended to anyone whose methadone prescription has just run out.
Crustified Dibbs - Bloodshed Hoa Hoo Crustified Dibbs “Bloodshed Hoa Hoo” (1994)
 

I listened to this single and thought nothing of it. Two days later, I’m yelling ‘Bloodshed Hoa Hoo’ while walking around and had to dig it back out. Can you imagine if Ol’ Dirty Bastard could have teamed with these guys? It could have been more hype than his team up with Insane Clown Posse. You’re right. I’m talking crazy now.
Linda Clifford - If My Friends Could See Me Now Linda Clifford “Runaway Love” (1978)
 

She’s got a great voice, and half her songs from the album were written by Curtis Mayfield (with him playing guitar too), but this is the only worthwhile track she ever put to wax. Why? Attitude! Look at that scowl. Girl, please! Who do you think you are?
  Cookie Crew “Born This Way (Prince Paul Dope Mix)” (1988)
 

Confession time. I’ve known Cookie Crew was dope for 10 years, but I hadn’t heard this mix before. When you listen to this, keep in mind that this is 1988, and here’s this pre-pubescent duo slinging rhymes faster and better than anyone 15 years later. And they were managed by Russell Simmons no less!!! What kept the Cookie Crew from reaching that brass ring? I blame a glass ceiling created by Linda Clifford’s attitude. Girl, get over yourself!
  Chaka Demus & Pliers “Tease Me” (1993)
 

I started liking this song because of the cat meow in the background. But after a few listens, I started wondering if it was a cat at all. It could be a lady trying to sound like a cat, or a rapper saying “yow” on a sped-up tape. Could be a cat, though. But cats don’t really sound like that, do they?
   

 

Tue 2 May 2006

The FagaVault - Episode Three

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There is a hot new site called MySpace. Have you been there? You should go and create a profile and we could be friends. Then we could share with each other intimate details. I could tell you my favorite flavor of jelly bean. You could tell me what kind of shampoo you use. After a relevant amount of exchanges, we would upgrade each other to the rank of super friend. Sorry, we can never be best friends. I already have one. His name is Accomodator.

INITIATE EPISODE THREE

CONTENTS:

The Silos - The Silos The Silos “Caroline” (1990)
 

Solid band that was never the same after this album, which was their major label debut. Isn’t that always the way? Damn!
Status Quo - Ma's Greasy Spoon (Homemade Version) Status Quo “Lakky Lady” (1970)
 

This song sounds like no other song on the album. In fact, none of the songs on this album sound like they’re even by the same artist. These guys are like the anti-AC/DC.
Fire Town - In the Heart of the Heart Country Fire Town “Places to Run” (1987)
 

Is this the epitome of the 80’s or what? Fire Town is good, but what’s even crazier is that in 1994 they added a female vocalist and became a little group now known as Garbage. Oh, and they’re from Madison, Wisconsin.
  The Ray Charles Singers “The Straight Life” (1969)
 

If the irony of this group singing this song is lost on you, you’re at the wrong website.
The Jimmy Castor Bunch - Phase Two The Jimmy Castor Bunch “Luther the Anthropoid (Ape Man)” (1972)
 

I know the song title defines Luther’s lineage as an ape man, but after listening to the song I’m thinking his origins lie more in the Jersey Guido arena. What’s your take on it?
Wendy Waldman - Gypsy Symphony Wendy Waldman “You Got to Ride” (1974)
 

None of Wendy’s albums ever sold over 25k. I would say too bad for her because her voice is like her lyrics – wide-ranging. Don’t feel too bad for her, though. After she gave up being a record covergirl, she became a behind the scenes song writer. Her biggest success? Vanessa Williams, Save the Best For Last. Which everyone sings along to in drug stores when it comes on the muzak. Now that’s fame.
Bob McGilpin - Get Up! Bob McGilpin “Get Up And Do It Again” (1979)
 

The farther back a musical fad occurred, the more mystifying it becomes. Sure, we’re all laughing at rap-rock now, but in ten years it’s going to be the stuff of retarded legend. Such is the case with disco. We can never understand, only listen in awe. Mr. McGilpin here had hits in the Top 10. Figure that out.
   


 

Tue 2 May 2006

The FagaVault - Episode Two

Posted by Fagatron 2093 under FagaVault, Podcasts
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I am so happy that you humans are learning to use the Interwebarama so quickly, it makes distributing hot hits much easier for yours truly. It has been reported to me that since this site has appeared, computer use has sharply risen. Many of you are viewing this and many other destinations at all hours of the day. Congratulations! This is love. Here, I want you to have it.

INITIATE EPISODE TWO

CONTENTS:

Bloodrock - Bloodrock 3
 Bloodrock “Kool-Aid-Kids” (1971)
  

In case you didn’t know, when you go through a billion records, about every 20 discs you see cover art that makes you think, ‘Oh my god, this record is going to totally rule!’ And then it doesn’t rule at all. It doesn’t even dictate or make a firm request. But not Blookrock. Oh no, not them.
Whooliganz - Put Your Handz Up The Whooliganz “Put Your Handz Up” (1993)
 

Take a bunch of 14-year-old boyz and givez them a record deal and seez what happenz. Hot jamz is what!
Little Axe - The Wolf That House Built Little Axe “Ride On” (1994)
 

This song is amazing, the album is amazing, and everything these guys have ever done is just as amazing, which is an amazing accomplishment. Little Axe is top of the pops in my book.
Mary Kay Place - Aimin' To Please Mary Kay Place “Something to Brag About” (1977)
 

Mary Kay played a country singer on a soap opera parody TV series, and this character had a song that became a mainstream hit, so Mary Kay followed the hit up with a couple albums that country critics panned as novelty songs. Listening to it now, it all sounds very modern and very good – and she managed to get a pretty wide array of stars to duet with her, like Willie on this number. Critics are dumb.
Eric Ambel - Roscoe's Gang Eric Ambel “The Girl That I Ain’t Got” (1988)
 

From what I read, Eric’s been rockin’ and touring for the last 20 years, and is still going strong. I would like to see him sometime.
John Martyn - Solid Air John Martyn “Over the Hill” (1973)
 

This is from the album, Solid Air. Everything about this album, from the art to the soft rockedness of it tells me I shouldn’t like it, but this is one of the best records I’ve found yet. I can’t stop listening to it, so I guess that makes me a folk fan. Anyone want to have a protest and sing our way to intellectual freedom later? Let me know.
Guru Josh - Infinity Guru Josh “Infinity” (1990)
 

Look at this album cover. Need I say more? Actually, yes. Yes I do. Seeing and hearing this record makes me feel bad for Guru Josh’s friends. They had to sit around his apartment and listen to his cassettes, go to his live shows…hell, they even called him Guru just for the hell of it. They were just being supportive. Then this album came out, and they all wondered why they let it go as far as they did.
   


 

 

 

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