I have been writing in a journal on an almost-daily basis since I was 17 years old. This is a record of me going through each entry from the beginning, and commenting on the me from fifteen years ago.

That was unfinished, and though I might think I remember what I was going to write, the truth is I will never relive or rediscover what secrets I may have revealed in that little bit of sentence structure that came so near to completion.

It is times like now, when surrounded by silence, but hearing so many noises in my head, when I am tired, but awake. It is times like these that I feel the touch of God. Perhaps him blowing me to dust constitutes the fall I have taken and felt, as now I feel myself climbing. I feel the power of the hand of God within me, but it now suffers a taint. I feel fear. I am scared of my own power and the ability to use that power to subvert others. I want everyone to be free with themselves, but the fear tells me that by knowing them, I chain them. The fear tells me that I am hooked to others because I want to give them this agony.

But listen, despite the fear I can hear another chiming above. He tells me that I need others because I love, he tells me that I want to know people because I love. Hurt would be impossible, especially if you always present yourself as the bastion of truth, both to yourself and to others. I can feel my light, perhaps I should stop opening doors. God be with me, God guide me, no, fate guide me to everyone’s happiness. And through me, let them channel & find their own dreams and desires. I am nothing but a service of the good in all things.

I could try to explain this rambling entry, but instead let me tell you about a ritual I used to have that I was reminded of with statement, “…perhaps I should stop opening doors.”

So I used to believe that the untapped secrets of the universe were in my brain but being held back from me. However, by meditating upon my brain being like a hallway of doors – behind each of which was a torrent of water that would flood out, but really only raise the knowledge water level by a fraction – that I would open one by one, could I receive this knowledge. However, like Eve, each door would impart strange incomprehensible things to me and slowly drive me crazy, so I had to be careful.

At the time, I thought I was onto something really major. Now, I think I played too much D&D and spent too much time alone. Funny how life changes your opinion on things.