My friends and I are in an on-again/off-again writing club where the rules are simple. Every two weeks you have to submit three short stories that it took you 20 minutes or less to write. These are the results.

Gimp Arms

I have two gimp arms. There’s a technical term for it, but if I said it you wouldn’t know what I was talking about. My arms are short and bend weird…you know, like I’m a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Do I like having gimp arms? Well, I’ve learned to adjust. High school was pretty brutal, but who isn’t that true for? Then I went through this period where I would get really jealous of people that had only one gimp arm. I remember getting really pissed off when I’d see them use their gimp arm to clasp pens or phones or whatever, treating it like an extra pocket while they showed off their glorious normal arm. I eventually got over that because, hey, sometimes you just wanna talk to someone who can relate to having a fucked up arm, even if they can only half understand what you’re going through.

I’m older now, and I guess you eventually accept yourself. I still get stares walking down the street, and people who have never met me before act weird when they hand me things. I’m used to it. Having people point when they see me drinking a cup of coffee; I understand it. It is a bit of a spectacle, sure.

You know what else I’ve adjusted to? Having trouble getting a girlfriend. I know I’m a good guy and that there’s a girl out there that will accept me for me and all that, just as I know that double gimp arms make for a challenging stumbling block on the way to a first date. Understandably, I don’t see a lot of action in the bedroom, so I masturbate a lot.

This in itself is no easy task. It would be nice to lay on my back and relax while stroking myself off, but this isn’t an option. I have to hunch over to make it work. Mostly I watch porn while jerking off. Why? I like to imagine I’m one of those guys with two normal arms, using their healthy limbs to plow into girls all the better. Porn is fantasy, right? Well, that’s my fantasy.

Anyway, in my younger days, I’d sit on the couch and watch porn while jerking off, but it started to hurt my neck. I think being hunched forward with my head craned up to watch the TV or computer eventually caught up with me. No problem, I’m used to adjusting. So I started masturbating standing up. I’d just have to turn my head to the side. Eventually my neck pain went away.

It’s been a few years of me doing it this way, but now it seems I’ve got a new problem. I was having some pretty severe lower back pain, and after a few doctor visits I’ve learned that I’m going to have to go through a spinal surgery to avoid my body shriveling forward. Of course I’m going to do it because the only thing worse than being a guy with two gimp arms is being a hunchback with two gimps arms.

But here’s the catch. They’re telling me that they’ll have to insert some rods that will limit my flexibility of my lower back. In other words, my solitary hand job days are coming to a close. I’ve had to deal with a lot of shit in my life, but this one really gets me, you know? So pardon me if this offends you, but I think I, of all people, deserve to say it.

Fuck you, God. Seriously, fuck you.