My friends and I are in an on-again/off-again writing club where the rules are simple. Every two weeks you have to submit three short stories that it took you 20 minutes or less to write. These are the results.

An adult diaper commercial begins with an old man constantly looking down at his freshly urinated lap with a look that says both why me? and how come my penis don’t work? at the same time, and are those not the essential Everyday Man questions?  It makes you want to shake the man by his fragile, liver-spotted shoulders and scream, “ADDRESS YOUR INCONTINENCE!” But by the end of the commercial he does!  Or so we’re to assume, because by then he’s ignoring his lap altogether, dancing and hugging his wife at his daughter’s wedding.  They’re joyous, the blurry extras party behind them, all conveying the glorious messages: Pee At Will! Shit Yourself Worry-Free During Life’s Special Moments!

I decided I needed to get these diaper things in the hands of today’s ambitious youth, convince them once you let a daily triviality like defecation affect your schedule, you’re already a slave to regimen and routine, ripe pickins for The Man.  Fuck. That. Shit.  Put on some fucking diapers and RAGE.  Only go the bathroom to do more drugs and feel good about it.  Promote more parties in a month than any motherfucking douchebag has ever pulled off in an entire Hampton’s off season.  Urban Outfitters will sell t shirts: Going To The Bathroom’s For Fags, a guaranteed cross-sexual smash hit.

Technology will advance, rendering bathrooms extinct.  People my age will tell small children, “In my day, you walked down the hall and shat in a bowl of water like a human being.”  By then the standard will be slim, anatomically-neutering aqua man briefs, invisible under any outfit, that vaporize any secretion from genitals or anus–a technological innovation that will simultaneously destroy the tampon and colostomy industries.

And it will all be my fault.  I couldn’t just let old folk stew in their own waste and not try to make money off it.  But as they say, there’s always a lesson if you listen.  I listened closely and learned the elderly’s ideas are terrible.