I have been writing in a journal on an almost-daily basis since I was 17 years old. This is a record of me going through each entry from the beginning, and commenting on the me from fifteen years ago.

Sometimes I come here with wisdom of the day, but today I just feel the need to write about whatever is on my mind for as long as I can continue to write. I think it would be good for all of us to talk with other people there, free associate on our own, but with witnesses, for half an hour. We could all take turns. Of course, I’m too scared to even take part in my own little experiment. Too scared to even suggest it really. Anyway, I continue to break my New Year’s resolution and I still catch myself telling these really stupid lies. Sometimes we try to hide things too personal by lying about memory lapses or ignorance. I’m a master of this, so I don’t want to do it anymore. Fortunately, it’s an aspect of human nature that we like to talk about ourselves most. The only exception, I believe, is if someone has a story that we wish we were starring in. I know I like hearing things with me in them, I like pictures with me in them too. My point in all this is that if things get too personal for me, I can probably get someone else to expound on their own lives. No sweat. Telling the truth goes a little farther than just speaking up though, It also means not letting things sit in the back of my mind when I could be telling them to someone. Like lately, I’ve been thinking of telling certain people certain things, but they aren’t here, so it’s pretty simple to shove these thoughts out of mind, but when I see these people again, these thoughts are just going to be sitting there in my mind, most certainly preventing me from hearing most of the other things being said. I find these thoughts bring themselves to light most prominently when there is a lack of caffeine in my system. I’ve really been using that chemical as a crutch lately. My 44 oz. drink expenses are through the roof. I told myself I was going to back off this vacation. Alas, it hasn’t happened yet. But my straying from deodarant didn’t go so successfully either. I am who I am. I guess I could try a day without the stuff, but damn. I don’t need that much sleep and those headaches are a bitch. There is an overdose point, but I think I’m doing all right at avaoiding that for now. Perhaps I should get off the Diet Dew at Lacotah, though. Yes, perhaps. The good news of late is that I finally feel that I’ve returned to being whoever it is I am. I really feel myself. I feel as if I’m warranted in making personal decisions towards certain dilemmas that had formally been plaguing me of late. One of these is the Kristin dilemma, which isn’t really all that much of a problem. What I can’t figure out is why can I see her & I as friends for a very long time down the road, but when I throw sex into the mix, I’m not so sure. I have this feeling that I’m very sexually repressed in regards to certain things – many things. I’m trying to deny a lot of “sick” desires that are there. Today, while I was reading Monster, he described (not very vividly) a male on male rape scene and I found myself excited by it. Fortunately, in some extreme cases, and unfortunately, in some very mundane cases, I cannot verbally express, nor physically act out these desires. I’m starting to sound like a crappy letter out of Cosmo now. “Sexually flustered bisexual attracted to girl for her personality and her masculine looking hands that she can lay on him and he can pretend that they are a man’s.” Sometimes I try to rationalize why or how I got fucked up like this. Then I say to myself, “I’m fucked up, but fucked up an in interesting way. Yeah!” Truth to tell (as long as I’m keeping my resolution here), I really wouldn’t want a simple life. In fact, I can see myself picking this life in my pre-incarnation life choosing up in the great beyond. Yep, a lot of times I think of killing myself. Congratulations to me, it’s been at least 6 years since I’ve been suicidal and I’m still alive. I believe that’s why I enjoy not having time to sit around and sort a lot of this shit out. It’s too risky. And yeah, sometimes I fantasize about myself being a woman during sex and sometimes I have dreams of another man sucking my dick. Congratualtions to me for easing into my sexuality so smoothly. I’d love to shock the shit out of my Dad with that little fact. His world is way too small for a big ass life like mine to squeeze all the way in. Hey, if the dude asks me, then he better be ready for an answer. I don’t lie anymore (or at least I correct myself quickly after lying.) This might be jealousy speaking, but I’m really disappointed in Rosa’s approach to her first sexual relationship. She’s really kissing Chris’ ass. It does hurt when he gets a call every other day and I get none. I guess I expected something different. In that way, I’m glad I didn’t fall into a thing with her. She lied to me in a respect. She said I would have just been a means to an end, sexually. Perhaps I’m being presumptuous in assuming that I would have been in the same position as Chris is now, but it’s not what I would have wanted. I’m thinking that a lot of times, words don’t come to me like this. I’m mulling over what I’ve written down and realizing I need to work on my conversational skills. When it comes to interacting with others verbally, interaction is what I do the least of. Either I control, or I sit and listen. If I’m confronted in a verbal exchange, whoa, back off because I don’t know what to do. My train of thought gets thrown from the tracks at that. In fact, I just threw myself. I think I had more to say, but it’s just not there anymore, so I’ll quit at a nice page interval. This felt great, though. Like I say, I’m me again and I don’t know where I was keeping myself all this time, but I hope I’m here to stay, or at least know what would put me away like I got put away not so long ago. Love you Jay, & that’s the truth. You’ve been my friend for a long, long time.

Wow, that was probably one of the best entries I’ve read because I just said exactly what was on my mind, and it gave me so much insight to what I was thinking and going through at this point in my life. I won’t even comment. I’ll just let it stand.