I have been writing in a journal on an almost-daily basis since I was 17 years old. This is a record of me going through each entry from the beginning, and commenting on the me from fifteen years ago.

It’s a few hours until the new year and I could easily fall asleep right now, but I’m holding off for some reason. The Eve’s of years haven’t been so spectacular lately, so I’m with myself tonight. I want nothing more than to complete a nervous phone call and I find myself in junior high again. Why am I trying to stay awake? Trying to make it to a fictional barrier so I can wish myself a good year. I’ll do it now and go into the new year resting & getting ready for a big thing, the big year. Just for the record, same as last year, I’m in love, just as strongly, but differently. For better or worse, I don’t know, but time will tell. Accept that your life is a pleasant walk in a circle. Accept that you can’t help how you feel. Accept that you can no longer lie. You told your last one on this evening, again catching yourself. If you can’t do it, don’t lie about it. Also, Jay, make yourself one more promise for the new year, of course not to be broken. If this doesn’t work out, learn to say no to these things once in a while. Stop feeling stupid when the truth isn’t there to tell. Take a break, maybe never to come back. Who’s to say a non-standard person has to fit into any of the standards set forth by the standards of society. You have a lot of love already, just do with what you have. Learn to love yourself like I know you do. Share, love & don’t lie. Yep, your life’s become a bad movie romance song.

I’m most entertained by my mention of needing to complete a nervous phone call in this journal entry, because I remember that call. I had to call Kristin to make sure that she was okay with our hookup. She was. She said that it’s what she wanted to happen. I remember feeling very relieved.