I have been writing in a journal on an almost-daily basis since I was 17 years old. This is a record of me going through each entry from the beginning, and commenting on the me from fifteen years ago.

Somewhere, I lost what it takes to be the person I wish I was. It seems my friends are the better men, while I think I’m the better person, but if I’m so damn good then why am I the only one who’s alone. I know so many people, talk to everyone, but who knows who I am? So few. And right now I’m thinking how pathetic I am, wishing I was blind and lazy and caught up in the unreality, just like so many others I see. But if there’s something I’d never trade about myself, that’s it. Sometimes, I wish I was a girl, just so guys would have to ask me out. Maybe I just need to be a little less self-scared. And I am so scared of myself. When I’m lonely like this, the only thing that keeps me alive is the hope of finding the one I only know as eyes of blue (and dark hair – a later addition). I just keep thinking of her and of the simple life I want with her and of love – a love that keeps us happy despite all else. That impossible goal is all I think of when I am sad, it keeps me from getting worse. Religions are set up in the same way, so she is my religion. But will it happen? I never find anyone that’s just right for me. I get just close enough to find a fault I can’t forgive, and these unsmurfy things have never seemed smurfy. At least lately that’s how it’s been. So to sum up, I’m imperfection at it’s finest looking for something that will fill and fit my numerous gaps. Looking for perfection, and I’m the only person who’s not willing to let things slide a little bit. I’d think life hated me, but it seems to like me in the fact that it keeps things so exciting for me. Selfishly, I keep searching, then, for that person I think can help me and can let me help them. Does the world conform to you or do you conform to it. Looking for someone who believes in the former. Let it happen, Jay. All this thinking is just going to muddle things up. Free the mind, and everything will follow through. I know it & I desire it. Lonliness has become so lonely.

Okay, first off, brilliant un-ironic use of smurfy. Second, stop worrying so much about not having a girlfriend. That’s exactly what’s holding you back. When you’re desperate for a significant other, you come off as pathetic and…desperate, which never looks good. Just do whatever you like doing and have fun, and don’t worry about if a cute girl is watching you or whatever. Being yourself will eventually attract someone that’s like you to you. Simple as that.