I have been writing in a journal on an almost-daily basis since I was 17 years old. This is a record of me going through each entry from the beginning, and commenting on the me from fifteen years ago.

I failed. So bad did I want to say just a simple thing. I just wanted to say, “I love you.” Without a sound of mirth in my voice. But it didn’t happen. The closest I got to it was asking “Do you want me to steal you away?” and she said, “Only if you’re not serious.” My heart sank. Now I must carry two regrets with me for the rest of my life. Two loves left with only suspicions, never told the truth. In a way, perhaps the outsiders are right. Perhaps she is a tease. Perhaps it was wrong of her to go out with another. Perhaps she simply is looking for an ego boost. Perhaps – but I forgive her and I still will love her. And though I shall have to carry a weight with me now eternally, the burden of my soul feels lightened with the fact that I no longer need to hide how I feel or be shy because people may think the wrong thing. I won’t have to worry about mixed messages, because I’ve promised myself that I wouldn’t care. Maybe I’m getting used to having my heart broken, for I’m not crying as hard or as much as I have for someone else. But that just might be because I ws just cheered up by a friend before I wrote this. It doesn’t matter. Tomorrow, it will be all gone and I won’t have to play out long cinematic possibilities in my mind anymore. On occasion, though, I’ll think of her, just like I do of another. Good bye, Sarah, I’ve let you go. Good bye, Lacy, I’ve let you go.

This is a nice change of pace. A lot of times when I’m reading these old entries, I get angry at myself for thinking and not acting, but here I’ve both acted and thought, and I’m also totally glad that it didn’t work out. Seriously, Lacy would have been the worst thing for me. I can’t even figure out now why I was so attracted to her. I’d also like to add that the emotional weight that I thought I’d have to carry with me eternally wasn’t as heavy nor as long lasting as I thought it would be. In fact, it completely dissipated the moment I had a girlfriend.