I have been writing in a journal on an almost-daily basis since I was 17 years old. This is a record of me going through each entry from the beginning, and commenting on the me from fifteen years ago.

Lately, I have been very confused. Why? Because I’m wondering how long I’ve got to live. When I look at this wondrous place we live in I am amazed in all that it is. I feel lucky to have had the good fortune that I have. I look to the future, college-career-possibilities, and I think of how great things could be. Then I see things. I see a dying world full of dead-end jobs. Myself forced into positions I never wanted to be in. It has the power to make me cry. Lately, I’ve felt lazy and I think I act that way because I’m thinking I’ll die soon. I won’t go down without a fight though. I will keep trying until it’s over. So, in a way I look forward to the future. I also look forward to the end. I get excited to see what lies beyond mortality, I become anxious for my rest. Some people are scared to die, but I am not. If my life were to end right now, it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Hell, I would have been better off dying a year earlier. I’ve got no one to blame buy myself for my decision. The world gets me down. I scream from the pain of being pulled part by friends, family, society and myself. I don’t even cry about my death anymore, it’s become something I think about so often. Depressed? I suppose. But the only way it will get better is if I attain my goals. If I can’t meet the deadline, then that’s how it is. You win and you lose; sometimes you tie.

So, I’ve already told you how I was going to kill myself if I wasn’t successful by the time I made my second attempt at going to college (spoiler alert: I lived), so I’ll spare you the rehashing of details. Reading this entry makes me incredibly sad because I really thought I was better off dead, and saw nothing worthwhile in my future. This year of my life was definitely directionless, so I can see why I was so frustrated now. But even then, to think life’s worth ending at 19? If only I had any idea of all the amazing things awaiting me.