I have been writing in a journal on an almost-daily basis since I was 17 years old. This is a record of me going through each entry from the beginning, and commenting on the me from fifteen years ago.

It hurts to think you are incapable of loving. I feel that there will never be a person that I want to see all the time for all of time. That’s what love is, isn’t it? It’s choosing a girl to be held in higher regard than all the rest. I can’t do that. I’ve felt abandoned by friends, them choosing girls over me. The first time, I enjoy seeing them experience the pleasures of life. When they leave me, by taking the opposite path. It hurts. In the universal law of what comes around goes around, I could never abandon them because I don’t want to be abandoned.

All of the inner circle is changing and I hate it for being so. I’m afraid soon the big change will come, and we’ll go our seperate ways. One of us will have to die, so the memory remains to keep us together.

Is life meant to taste so bitter?

[written in border]

A crown of thorns upon his head

We moved from Iowa to Minnesota when I was 9 years old, and I remember finding it a lot harder to make friends in the new school. I don’t think they got a lot of fresh blood there, and I was shunned for a long time. I did make friends, but I think the difficulty in making them made me overly worried about losing them.

So here I am, worried that I’ll never have a girlfriend because I can’t imagine being with someone all the time (which I hear now and think, no shit that would suck), and I’m just so fearful that when high school ends I’ll lose all my friends. So what’s my master plan? Kill myself to become some kind of martyr for this golden era. Great idea.

This just proves why you should never put expectations on the future. My life got infinitely better after high school, and I’m still friends with about 75% of the people I thought were going to abandon me. What a drama queen I was.